all intelligent creatures are in a constant coping state of existential crisis

When overlooking the four-fold method of dealing with an Existential Crisis, as defined by Wikipedia, I came to the conclusion that I am in a constant state of dealing with the inexistance of reality and of my place in it.

Here is why.

Anchoring— Having firmly fixed myself in my own spiritual faith, I have constructed a reality that has strength which cannot be questioned (according to the guidelines or parameters I have created for that spirituality). Also, I have created a self-fulfilling prophecy believing I will achieve all my goals despite any hardships. If these are tested, questioned, or dismissed from any outside source, I always go back to the anchor and it keeps me from questioning myself or my reality too deeply. Due to my inherent indifference and arbitrary feelings of the reality around me, I have created my own reality to subside in. Unfortunately, this leads to…

Isolation– Since I live in a self-created reality, I am no longer bound by the constructs other’s realities impose upon me. Thus, this leads to some very awkward dinner table conversations or lack there of. I still function within a society, but I by no means associate myself within the contexts of said society. This is perchance really detrimental to the way I a) view people and b) view my relationships with those people. So instead of discussing with myself how I feel, I arbitrarily dismiss all ill feelings and destructive tendencies, not causing them to go away, mind you, but burying them and ignoring them. or in other words, i catch myself in…

Distraction– I refuse to think about things that would cause me any sort of grief or qualm. I distract my attentions towards my goals, things that make me smile, after ignoring all the other types of things that cause inner conflict. I over  focus my attentions on my academics and my writings so as to not have to think about my life alone or what i could see myself becoming. As I am not of this reality, its rules to not bind me, but that doesn’t mean i don’t play by them. so when feelings and emotions make me unable to function, i simply. . . delete them and then move on to other tasks that i deem “more worthy.” which brings about…

Sublimation– above all else I am a writer and a fiend of writing and thought. i feel life through my mind’s senses and ears and thoughts. all of my energy i could spend on myself in the form of reflection and feelings and inner emotions, I just accept or push aside or do not dwell and instead carry my thoughts to those worthier pursuits of literature, writing, and creating. what do feelings that could hamper my function of being a student mean to me? what are pangs of the heart when i could be gaining momentum in a class, a career, or a grade? . . . when life looks dreary, i cherish the sunless days and moonlit nights abound in my goal of creating the perfect aestheticism.

but in the end. all i do want is someone to follow me through this. follow me in this. become a part of my reality willingly and never let me go. it would be nice to have an unlimited companion who has twisted reality beyond compare, distracted their isolating anchor from the world and relies on creation of the sublime to reach that potential into the potency that they can and will be. a person i don’t have to despair about loving, because the disparity is matched in accordance to that loveliness of being alone. together.

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